saddled with harmony

i was originally going to make the title of this post "the great divide" to talk about how marriage and your existential view of self is totally ass over teacups once you have a child (even more so for the masochists who have more than one). in a fit of frustration i wrote out what my household responsiblities are (everything) and what the hubby's are (earn paycheck, tell me im pretty). it really got me thinking. being the libra that i am i crave harmony and absolutely hate when things are out of balance and unfair. things are definitely not even stevens around here and its really getting to me.

then i started thinking- am i surprised at this imbalance of responsibility? is this what naturally happens when a woman stays home to tend to the house and child(ren) and the man goes off to work? i tend to take on more responsibility at home and excuse it by telling myself that he works all day and is tired, i dont want to nag him to do dishes/scrub the bathtub/etc. i justify it over and over again, oh im home, therefore its my job to do xyz since im so lucky to be able to be home in the first place. but this isnt 1958. i am a college-educated woman who is staying home for a few years with my child because it is what i want and what i think is important, but im slowly finding myself identifying with betty friedan a little too much. i totally get the feminine mystique now. i actually feel good about myself if my house is clean, im showered and looking cute and have a fab dinner ready. for approval from the husband (and yeah, a little for me too). ive had this fight with myself before- stop looking for validation from him. but its hard when i feel like im doing it all, all the time and not getting any thoughtful appreciation in return when i try my best to do nice things for him.

i keep reading articles on how couples who share parenting and household responsibilities are happier and have healthier marriages. but this doesnt just happen like, poof! its 2012! things are different, act accordingly!!! it involves a lot of love and concious effort. and unfortunately, i cant do it myself or expect him to do it just because i want him to. its ultimately his choice to make that concious effort. but probably not something he stews over, especially since it would mean more work for him. should i just lower my expectations, suck it up and keep things at the status quo?

truth be told, i am capable of doing it all. im always seeking perfection and im far too hard on myself for not being as i feel i have it in me to be. i can cook, clean, grocery shop, record-keep, pay bills, budget, parent, etc etc because ive had to this whole time. but the question remains, should i have to do it all in this day and age? its the modern feminine mystique of sorts- i have everything i want but it sometimes it feels like its too much. im home with my daughter, check. i have a part-time job, check. ive got great friends and family, check. ive got a wonderful, good husband who lets me do whatever i want, check. but i still find myself frustrated with what i could be doing (running! crafts! reading! going out with my friends!), and what he could be doing to make it a bit more fair.

i read an incredible article about a woman who started asking her family, 'what could i do to love you more?' it lead to a more harmonious household because she was the one who made the concious change of intention.

since no one will ask me that question, i have to ask myself: what could i do to love myself more? expect less? somehow that doesn't seem fair.