am i doing this right?

pinterest can suck it.

wait, i take that back. it is awesome because now i have more ideas on what to do with k during the day (yay fun art projects, montessori-esque fine motor work and diy everything). problem is that gave me a whole new level of parental anxiety. AM I BLOWING IT? my precious, precious time home with my daughter before she goes to either preschool next year or kindergarten in two years and all these assholes on pinterest via more asshole bloggers who are constantly doing these amazing things with their children. i have one child, my house is a perpetual disaster, i can barely shower during the day (STILL!).... but are these bitches for real? or do they put up this perfect front like they have it together when the day to day bullshit is just like mine?

toddlers are tornados of mess and giggles with the attention span of 5-10 minutes, tops. they are awake for around 12 hours, and because i am horrible with math, lets just say that life with a toddler is perpetual motion, in every direction, all at once. some days are chill, some are busy, some are trying, some days are sweet and perfect, some are good for me, some better for her, and some days she hangs out with her grandparents so i get a break. every day is different at home- its structured.. loosely. every trip has an exit strategy, every grocery run has 3 bags of opened something at the check out (cheese, goldfish, blueberries are the usual), but every day is magical. i try to teach her kindness with smiles, how ya doins and thank yous to strangers. we count things, we spell letters, we recognize signs and places, we sing and i talk about everything we see. at home she helps me stir anything im cooking, we do puzzles and she goes off (sometimes) to use her imagination with her toys. we see friends now and then, we visit family and i desperately try to get her to take a nap. i make her toys if i am really inspired by a skill she needs to work on, but just as happy if she zips my hoodie up and down over and over while my quiet book materials sit quietly in the spare room waiting to be sewn together. we read, we watch tv, we dance to music, we color and we snuggle. we go outside, we jump in puddles, we get dirty, we sort laundry. we count flowers, smell everything, listen to birds, watch airplanes go by and lay in the grass- and it feels like i only have a few more of these magical days left before school starts.

some moms make it look easy, like they appear have it together. or do we all think that? does anyone actually say to themselves in the mirror, "you are the shit. keep doing what youre doing, you know you are an amazing mother." i know i havent that often. i look to others for validation, to make myself feel better, but i know what im doing is right because it is out of love. why is it so hard to accept? and why is it so easy to feel like should be doing a better job?

i need to start telling myself im doing it right. because i am the shit. and so are you.