torture

torture is a track on the wu tang masterpiece album 36 chambers, but this might be worse. im currently being tortured through the ear holes by a magic bullet of guilt that made a few left turns and is making my heart twist up into a knot of sads. k is crying. and not just crying, its crying from bed and saying, "i want my mommy!!!!!" apparently daddy is not worthy of putting her to bed anymore and so the guilt is bubbling up because i am not a fan of cry it out. totally dont judge the people that do, but damn its hard- how do you do it? its against all my motherly instincts to sit here and blog about how i feel about all this, but at the same time i am tortured by the fact that im allowing this to be an option. and so the internal dialog starts spinning- if i keep giving in and "rescuing" her, am i holding her back from independence? if i dont, am i doing something worse? she is full-out into the irrational fear stage (bugs and the talking moose at bugaboo creek top the list of scary things) so should i just let her take a step back so she feels better by my reassurance or do i hold firm so she can build from within, given that im there for her all day, every day?

well shit, she stopped crying.

nevermind.

p.s. wu tang forever