am i doing this right?

pinterest can suck it.

wait, i take that back. it is awesome because now i have more ideas on what to do with k during the day (yay fun art projects, montessori-esque fine motor work and diy everything). problem is that gave me a whole new level of parental anxiety. AM I BLOWING IT? my precious, precious time home with my daughter before she goes to either preschool next year or kindergarten in two years and all these assholes on pinterest via more asshole bloggers who are constantly doing these amazing things with their children. i have one child, my house is a perpetual disaster, i can barely shower during the day (STILL!).... but are these bitches for real? or do they put up this perfect front like they have it together when the day to day bullshit is just like mine?

toddlers are tornados of mess and giggles with the attention span of 5-10 minutes, tops. they are awake for around 12 hours, and because i am horrible with math, lets just say that life with a toddler is perpetual motion, in every direction, all at once. some days are chill, some are busy, some are trying, some days are sweet and perfect, some are good for me, some better for her, and some days she hangs out with her grandparents so i get a break. every day is different at home- its structured.. loosely. every trip has an exit strategy, every grocery run has 3 bags of opened something at the check out (cheese, goldfish, blueberries are the usual), but every day is magical. i try to teach her kindness with smiles, how ya doins and thank yous to strangers. we count things, we spell letters, we recognize signs and places, we sing and i talk about everything we see. at home she helps me stir anything im cooking, we do puzzles and she goes off (sometimes) to use her imagination with her toys. we see friends now and then, we visit family and i desperately try to get her to take a nap. i make her toys if i am really inspired by a skill she needs to work on, but just as happy if she zips my hoodie up and down over and over while my quiet book materials sit quietly in the spare room waiting to be sewn together. we read, we watch tv, we dance to music, we color and we snuggle. we go outside, we jump in puddles, we get dirty, we sort laundry. we count flowers, smell everything, listen to birds, watch airplanes go by and lay in the grass- and it feels like i only have a few more of these magical days left before school starts.

some moms make it look easy, like they appear have it together. or do we all think that? does anyone actually say to themselves in the mirror, "you are the shit. keep doing what youre doing, you know you are an amazing mother." i know i havent that often. i look to others for validation, to make myself feel better, but i know what im doing is right because it is out of love. why is it so hard to accept? and why is it so easy to feel like should be doing a better job?

i need to start telling myself im doing it right. because i am the shit. and so are you.

saddled with harmony

i was originally going to make the title of this post "the great divide" to talk about how marriage and your existential view of self is totally ass over teacups once you have a child (even more so for the masochists who have more than one). in a fit of frustration i wrote out what my household responsiblities are (everything) and what the hubby's are (earn paycheck, tell me im pretty). it really got me thinking. being the libra that i am i crave harmony and absolutely hate when things are out of balance and unfair. things are definitely not even stevens around here and its really getting to me.

then i started thinking- am i surprised at this imbalance of responsibility? is this what naturally happens when a woman stays home to tend to the house and child(ren) and the man goes off to work? i tend to take on more responsibility at home and excuse it by telling myself that he works all day and is tired, i dont want to nag him to do dishes/scrub the bathtub/etc. i justify it over and over again, oh im home, therefore its my job to do xyz since im so lucky to be able to be home in the first place. but this isnt 1958. i am a college-educated woman who is staying home for a few years with my child because it is what i want and what i think is important, but im slowly finding myself identifying with betty friedan a little too much. i totally get the feminine mystique now. i actually feel good about myself if my house is clean, im showered and looking cute and have a fab dinner ready. for approval from the husband (and yeah, a little for me too). ive had this fight with myself before- stop looking for validation from him. but its hard when i feel like im doing it all, all the time and not getting any thoughtful appreciation in return when i try my best to do nice things for him.

i keep reading articles on how couples who share parenting and household responsibilities are happier and have healthier marriages. but this doesnt just happen like, poof! its 2012! things are different, act accordingly!!! it involves a lot of love and concious effort. and unfortunately, i cant do it myself or expect him to do it just because i want him to. its ultimately his choice to make that concious effort. but probably not something he stews over, especially since it would mean more work for him. should i just lower my expectations, suck it up and keep things at the status quo?

truth be told, i am capable of doing it all. im always seeking perfection and im far too hard on myself for not being as i feel i have it in me to be. i can cook, clean, grocery shop, record-keep, pay bills, budget, parent, etc etc because ive had to this whole time. but the question remains, should i have to do it all in this day and age? its the modern feminine mystique of sorts- i have everything i want but it sometimes it feels like its too much. im home with my daughter, check. i have a part-time job, check. ive got great friends and family, check. ive got a wonderful, good husband who lets me do whatever i want, check. but i still find myself frustrated with what i could be doing (running! crafts! reading! going out with my friends!), and what he could be doing to make it a bit more fair.

i read an incredible article about a woman who started asking her family, 'what could i do to love you more?' it lead to a more harmonious household because she was the one who made the concious change of intention.

since no one will ask me that question, i have to ask myself: what could i do to love myself more? expect less? somehow that doesn't seem fair.

linkity doo dah

because its been a while since i gave you some links. enjoy!

being a stay at home mom cost me ONE MILLION DOLLARS ..upturned pinky to lip..

miserly moms is all about pinching those pennies and making it work with you at home- yay inspiration!

frugality is all the rage!!!

this made me feel warm and fuzzy. and that just made me think of fuzzy balls. haha, balls.

snow bunnies

a book that i recently checked out from the library and ended up buying it because i thought it was amazing: its called 'baby days' (see older post for link, im too lazy to put it up again) and its written with a joyous sense of appreciation for being at home. yes, its discussed that our days arent filled with merth and perfection- however!- because you are a smart woman, you can see how a little bit of effort might make things a little more fun for your brood. tons of great information on crafts, ideas for all seasons and times of day- basically its going to be my go-to for that quick advice when im trying to come up with a game plan.

case in point- i started taking more walks. this is twofold- first, for k because i think she should experience the weather and outdoors every day and second, for my own vanity (baby in backpack+hills=workout! baby in backpack+icy street=core stablilty workout!). a passage in the book regarding wintertime activities outside brought up a good point- and im totally paraphrasing this- babies are born in all weather and environments and people make do. this got me thinking- shit, im lazy. there are babies in the cold ass mountains of southern chile, in the freezing arctic tundra of siberia and way north canada...... and babies in those ungodly hot places along the equator and in deserts, too and they are probably in the elements and have been since the dawn of humanity. basically, the point that i got from it was GO OUTSIDE!!!!!!! i wasnt taking k out because i thought it was too cold/windy/inconvenient. yet she had winter coats, mittens, hats and even a fun snow bunting all being unused. so in the last week weve gone outside as much as possible and ive found that my homegirl loves the snow. i watched her walk and make fun little footprints and say 'uh-oh' when she fell down in it. heres the kicker- i love snow, too!!!!!! so now i have a buddy to go outside with me in it and enjoy it as much as me!!! so what if we get cold and wet, our home is warm and we have plenty of dry clothes. woo hoo! now all i need to do is move back to vermont so i can teach her to ski. or teach her how to drink hot chocolate apres ski.