little bites of elephant

mission...... in progress.
and if you read this blog you know that this is an improvement. for once i feel like im getting shit done. for realz. the little things are starting to snowball into actual accomplishments. things ive been meaning to do are actually getting done. case in point: i finished k's quiet book*. this may not seem like the greatest accomplishment- but this is huge, people. the quiet book is the craft that i wanted to do... i sketched it out, bought the felt and fabric, scoured pinterest for inspiration, and even started cutting out felt pieces. and then i put it in a box and didnt touch it for 10 months. part of me was wrestling with 'omg this would take forever to sew' and 'omg i hate sewing' and finally i said, 'fuck it, im just going to hot glue the damn thing.' AND IT GOT DONE. its beautiful! its stupendous! its creative! mom thinks i should sell them! k loves it! i want to show everyone how awesome it is. i am proud of it! it is something that I made. but the real point here is that i followed through on something. this is probably the first unnecessary (as in, not bound to finances or moving or whatever) thing that i have started and finished in i have no idea how long. and i feel good.

i think the quiet book is the first tangible accomplishment among a few things i have cookin these days. another big thing is that im training for a 10k. i started my 8 week- printed-off-the-internet-schedule back in december and im still rolling with it. technically i should be at week 6 or 7 but christmas obligations and a week of killer pms kinda got in the way, but im back at it- restarted on week 3 and plowing ahead. i really enjoy running on the treadmill- i bust out 2 or 3 miles as fast as i can and i feel as though i could take over the world afterwards! plus its 45 minutes of alone time with my music, thoughts and sweat. another related thing i am working on is not smoking. i hit a wall with running (since i was smoking the same before the christmas/pms break) and i was dying after 3 miles. so i figured, hmm if i stop smoking so much then maybe i can run harder/farther. i bought one of those electric cigarettes and honestly i dont even use it that much. i still smoke here and there but havent bought a pack in over a week. and thats major for me. so im starting off 2013 in wayyyyyyyyy better shape both financially, physically, and mentally than i ever imagined.

2013 will be the year of following through getting shit done. my resolution in one word is 'smarter.' that covers all my bases- smarter about my health, smarter about finances and being frugal, smarter about planning my day/week, smarter about how i live and how it affects others. smarter about my limits. i always set huge goals for myself and feel frustrated when i cant reach them. i read this: 'you cant eat an elephant whole, you have to cut it up first.' or something like that. little bites of my delicious elephant -overall awareness of the big picture when im stuck in the moment- will get me farther than trying to eat that shit all at once.

btw the picture is from pinterest (where else!?) and if its your pic im sorry, it was too cute not to use

am i doing this right?

pinterest can suck it.

wait, i take that back. it is awesome because now i have more ideas on what to do with k during the day (yay fun art projects, montessori-esque fine motor work and diy everything). problem is that gave me a whole new level of parental anxiety. AM I BLOWING IT? my precious, precious time home with my daughter before she goes to either preschool next year or kindergarten in two years and all these assholes on pinterest via more asshole bloggers who are constantly doing these amazing things with their children. i have one child, my house is a perpetual disaster, i can barely shower during the day (STILL!).... but are these bitches for real? or do they put up this perfect front like they have it together when the day to day bullshit is just like mine?

toddlers are tornados of mess and giggles with the attention span of 5-10 minutes, tops. they are awake for around 12 hours, and because i am horrible with math, lets just say that life with a toddler is perpetual motion, in every direction, all at once. some days are chill, some are busy, some are trying, some days are sweet and perfect, some are good for me, some better for her, and some days she hangs out with her grandparents so i get a break. every day is different at home- its structured.. loosely. every trip has an exit strategy, every grocery run has 3 bags of opened something at the check out (cheese, goldfish, blueberries are the usual), but every day is magical. i try to teach her kindness with smiles, how ya doins and thank yous to strangers. we count things, we spell letters, we recognize signs and places, we sing and i talk about everything we see. at home she helps me stir anything im cooking, we do puzzles and she goes off (sometimes) to use her imagination with her toys. we see friends now and then, we visit family and i desperately try to get her to take a nap. i make her toys if i am really inspired by a skill she needs to work on, but just as happy if she zips my hoodie up and down over and over while my quiet book materials sit quietly in the spare room waiting to be sewn together. we read, we watch tv, we dance to music, we color and we snuggle. we go outside, we jump in puddles, we get dirty, we sort laundry. we count flowers, smell everything, listen to birds, watch airplanes go by and lay in the grass- and it feels like i only have a few more of these magical days left before school starts.

some moms make it look easy, like they appear have it together. or do we all think that? does anyone actually say to themselves in the mirror, "you are the shit. keep doing what youre doing, you know you are an amazing mother." i know i havent that often. i look to others for validation, to make myself feel better, but i know what im doing is right because it is out of love. why is it so hard to accept? and why is it so easy to feel like should be doing a better job?

i need to start telling myself im doing it right. because i am the shit. and so are you.

saddled with harmony

i was originally going to make the title of this post "the great divide" to talk about how marriage and your existential view of self is totally ass over teacups once you have a child (even more so for the masochists who have more than one). in a fit of frustration i wrote out what my household responsiblities are (everything) and what the hubby's are (earn paycheck, tell me im pretty). it really got me thinking. being the libra that i am i crave harmony and absolutely hate when things are out of balance and unfair. things are definitely not even stevens around here and its really getting to me.

then i started thinking- am i surprised at this imbalance of responsibility? is this what naturally happens when a woman stays home to tend to the house and child(ren) and the man goes off to work? i tend to take on more responsibility at home and excuse it by telling myself that he works all day and is tired, i dont want to nag him to do dishes/scrub the bathtub/etc. i justify it over and over again, oh im home, therefore its my job to do xyz since im so lucky to be able to be home in the first place. but this isnt 1958. i am a college-educated woman who is staying home for a few years with my child because it is what i want and what i think is important, but im slowly finding myself identifying with betty friedan a little too much. i totally get the feminine mystique now. i actually feel good about myself if my house is clean, im showered and looking cute and have a fab dinner ready. for approval from the husband (and yeah, a little for me too). ive had this fight with myself before- stop looking for validation from him. but its hard when i feel like im doing it all, all the time and not getting any thoughtful appreciation in return when i try my best to do nice things for him.

i keep reading articles on how couples who share parenting and household responsibilities are happier and have healthier marriages. but this doesnt just happen like, poof! its 2012! things are different, act accordingly!!! it involves a lot of love and concious effort. and unfortunately, i cant do it myself or expect him to do it just because i want him to. its ultimately his choice to make that concious effort. but probably not something he stews over, especially since it would mean more work for him. should i just lower my expectations, suck it up and keep things at the status quo?

truth be told, i am capable of doing it all. im always seeking perfection and im far too hard on myself for not being as i feel i have it in me to be. i can cook, clean, grocery shop, record-keep, pay bills, budget, parent, etc etc because ive had to this whole time. but the question remains, should i have to do it all in this day and age? its the modern feminine mystique of sorts- i have everything i want but it sometimes it feels like its too much. im home with my daughter, check. i have a part-time job, check. ive got great friends and family, check. ive got a wonderful, good husband who lets me do whatever i want, check. but i still find myself frustrated with what i could be doing (running! crafts! reading! going out with my friends!), and what he could be doing to make it a bit more fair.

i read an incredible article about a woman who started asking her family, 'what could i do to love you more?' it lead to a more harmonious household because she was the one who made the concious change of intention.

since no one will ask me that question, i have to ask myself: what could i do to love myself more? expect less? somehow that doesn't seem fair.

domestic bliss and the lost art of simplicity

im feeling a little philosophical and thats usually trouble. i have entirely too many stupid opinions and theories ranging the gamut from autism to diaper rashes to something starting with z. but i have a few thoughts i need to get out of my head so bear with me here.

if you have read any of my previous posts you know that i suck at keeping up with laundry. i have a toddler who is always a hot mess, and a husband who gets really dirty at work. combine that with a case of severe laziness on my end and the laundry room being out of sight, out of mind in the basement and you can start to see how the dirty clothes start tsunamiing out of control. that brings me to this: socks. how many of you mend your socks? my husband has the case of the sharp foot (my only assumption as to why he blows through so many socks) and either hes out of socks or the ones hes wearing have holes in them. i feel like im always throwing them away and buying new ones because i dont have time to fix them.

last night we had a snowstorm and it really started snowing its ass off around 7pm. k doesnt go to bed til 8, so she was up in the windowsill watching it snow. i turned off the lights so she could see them better, then turned off the tv. it was so beautiful. i starting thinking about hmm, what if we only had candles lit and no electricity for street lights, no tv, no radio... it would just be an incredibly magical experience to watch the snow come down for hours and hours not knowing how much we would get or how long it would last.

what else would we do if we didnt have all our modern distractions? i would have a much cleaner house, thats for sure. and i would probably do more sewing, having a sewing basket by the couch so i could finish the onsie blanket i started for k and mend things- like socks.

it really got me thinking- no wonder trying to do it all these days is so hard- there are distractions pulling my attention away constantly. i cant even imagine how it would be if i had to work outside the home, it makes me feel woozy just thinking about it. i get mesmerized by the tv and forget that im playing blocks with k. then i wonder, why the hell do i have the tv on when we are playing blocks in the first place? our tv and/or computer is always on, always lit up and always trying to steal my attention away from important things- precious one on one time with k, family time together when chris is home, keeping my house clean and tidy and keeping me away from using my imagination by being cuddled up and lost in a book.

why has our society evolved to a point in which we are so warped into thinking this is all progress? i often wonder why it seems that the least attention is given to the people and things that matter most (i.e. the very young-especially!) and the most is given to stupidity on all levels. it makes me so ashamed that im part of it to, im merrily skipping along not really aware of how important it is to be awake in the moment.

so go and marinate on that for a bit. its interesting that the older i get, the more i am realizing that i dont have to be like what i see around me. but its hard. really, really hard to swim against it. somewhere i need to find a happy medium so i can watch tmz and mend socks at the same time. or maybe just take a night off from it all together and enjoy the quiet.