lactation consultants aren't magicians

though i spent almost $400 before i came to that realization. if you've ever breastfed, attempted to breastfeed or read about breastfeeding you might think a) its sooooo natural and b) why the f is it so hard if its supposed to be so damn natural?

books upon books are written to explain how to insert a boob into a baby's mouth and i was ready to breastfeed my newborn with knowledge it might be hard but not impossible. attempt #1 foiled by passing out after giving birth. attempts 2-78 foiled by baby who just couldn't latch no matter what position. she would suck a little, but then immediately fall asleep. i bought a breast pump and acquired carpal-tunnel syndrome, but baby was eating my milk. yippee!

i finally decided to try a lactation consultant two months later. i think medela is making a crapload of money off these people. she said that i was positioned all wrong, that baby was tongue-tied, and my nipples were inverted. before she left i bought a sns which is like a canteen of milk with tubes to your nipples hanging from your neck. and you have to be topless to use it, so just imagine how hot i looked. i also bought new nipple shields since the ones i had weren't the correct ones/medela brand. and she charged me $120/hour to tell me what i already read.

foolish of me to think she could fix my 'pumping problem.' an unsuccessful week later, lactation consultant #2 (who was free, thank god) said lactation consultant #1 wasn't helping correctly (no shit) and sold me more medela nipple shields before referring me to a pediatrician who would fix baby's tongue-tie. after the procedure, latching on would happen naturally, no sweat.

skip to a month later. baby no longer tongue-tied but after many tearful, screaming, milk-everywhere attempts of latching on, i gave up on trying to feed her at my breast. sure, the nursing nazis out there might say that i should have tried harder- but pumping works for us, even with me being home. baby still gets her breast milk (so i am still technically breastfeeding) but daddy can feed her and i don't have to whip out my formerly sexy boob in public.

does pumping 5-6 times a day get annoying? sure it does, but i don't mind. things could be worse- i could still be forcing my baby against her will to nurse at my breast in hopes that it will magically just 'click' for her. but its more fun to give her a bottle of my milk and watch her smile.